Towards a New Economic Miracle: The Case for an Independent North East of Scotland



Alexander Mac Salmond at Bannockburn



Alex Salmond recently fired the starting pistol on what will effectively be two years of bitterness, argument, uncertainty, chest thumping and division. His speech in Perth was attended by hordes of Scottish Nationalists who loudly acclaimed their Glorious Leader, and amid the usual platitudinous statements and preaching to the converted, Salmond called for Scots to vote for independence so that we can be rid of the UK government's 'Incompetent Lord Snootys'....... so that they can be replaced with a group of Scottish Incompetents, presumably.What Salmond does not understand is that incompetence transcends nationality. Morally bankrupt, flip-flopping, Scottish politicos are no different than English ones.  Is it really sensible to create another autonomous political system on this island in which more corruption and spin can prosper? 

As far as speeches go, Salmond's wasn't the worst but it didn't do anything to alter my opinion of him or his Party. Nothing will dissuade me from continuing to believe that Salmond will attempt to achieve his dream of independence no matter the cost. I'm confident that he will use whatever means at his disposal to undermine his opponents, question the patriotism of those who are pro-Union, and stir up a shit storm of anti-English sentiment. The next two years are going to be unbearable. I wonder if there'll be a re-release of Braveheart? Maybe a film about Bannockburn to coincide with the 700 year anniversary? This would surely include a cameo from Salmond himself - playing a wronged Scots peasant or something pathetic like that. I'm sure it will all stop short of war, but I think we'll find ourselves in a situation where Scots and the English are going to start deeply resenting each other. Maybe I sound about like an exasperated parent or school teacher but,  why can't we all just get along? Why can't we focus on what we have in common and try and reform the stagnant status quo within UK politics, starting with the banks, the electoral system and our relationship with Europe? I know. Never going to happen.

And what about Europe? Salmond continues to tout 'Scottish' identity as a reason for wanting independence but fully supports an independent Scotland's application for EU status. How can Scottish Identity be accentuated in the EU? We'd be drowned out by all the larger, influential countries, and end up fighting for the scraps from their tables. We would have no voice except when it maybe came to speaking about whiskey. And oil? The EU must be rubbing their hands with anticipation. Get Scotland all on their own and when they apply for EU membership we screw them over royally and tax the fuck out of their oil revenues. An independent Scotland is meaningless if it opts to apply for EU membership. She will immediately become part of this undemocratic conglomeration of states which seems hell bent on abolishing the nation state and replacing it with a United States of Europe.  Is there even support amongst Scots to join the EU in the event of independence? The only support I have seen for greater EU integration is from the over payed EU bureaucrats themselves.  In my opinion there does not seem to be any possibility of furnishing a European Identity to suit all, despite their efforts with the flag, anthem, single currency (that's been a resounding success, no?) etc They should have realised what a terrible mistake Eurovision was and left it at that.

I don't want to leave the Union, but if that's the way it goes then I will certainly, without trepidation lobby for a referendum on the question of whether North East Scotland secedes from Scotland as I have no desire to be part of this doomed enterprise. Nor do I want the central belt socialists and weegie pavement pirates to be in charge.

Draw a line from Buckie-Kingussie-Stonehaven and that is what I am proposing as the border of an Independent North East of Scotland (see map below). Gives us the best of the fishing industry, agricultural land and oil. Some good skiing too.  We'd have control of a fair amount of North Sea oil (http://www.scotland.gov.uk/Publications/2011/06/21144516/7#f51). We can cut off the state subsidised, sectarian backwater that is Glasgow; say farewell to the up its own arse Edinburgh; give the two fingers to Scumdee, a big cheerio to the Borders, a Bidh mi 'gad fhaicinn to the Gaels, farewell to the Islanders who think they're vikings anyway and a f*** you to the EU. It would be an economic miracle and we wouldn't need any of them.

The capital will be Aberdeen. We'd turf the City Council out of Marischal College and make it our government building. We'd introduce Free Banking (something which I should thank my dear brother for making me aware of) (See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Free_banking). The National Anthem would be 'The Buchan Plooman'. We'd be a Republic with a Constitution based on the US one with a bill of rights (maybe leave out the right to bear arms bit though). We would tax the religious. Ban the bomb. Start an airline. Build an oil refinery in Peterhead. We'd introduce National Service so that all citizens are trained to protect themselves from the barbarians lurking out with our borders. Doric would be the official dialect and will be compulsory in schools. We'd re-build Fraserburgh University and offer degrees in Doric Studies. Stovies would be the national dish. We'd... but wait... I'm getting carried away. I expect you've already noticed the flaw in the plan. It is a BIG flaw. Or rather an obese one. A certain Alex Salmond is currently MSP for Aberdeenshire East. This constituency lies right in the heart of the Republic of North East Scotland. Upon independence we would propose a referendum on how best to deal with him. Something along the lines of 'Do you agree that Alex Salmond should be exiled to Glasgow?' I think that would sort that out.

Sound like a plan?



Levein Outed as Unionist

"I was part of Unionist cabal."

"I'm about as useful as logic in a religious debate."

"My code name was 'Lurch.'

Craig 'Frankenstein' Levein

Does this hulking wreck of a man represent all that is wrong with Scottish football? Does he epitomise mediocrity? Yes, he does.

Thankfully, his disastrous reign of error is almost certainly nearing its end. However, all is not as it seems. Will Levein lose his job because he is useless or because of something far more sinister? This question must be asked because although on the surface he presents as an incompetent oaf, underneath the boring exterior lies a complex, guileful and dastardly individual.

'Insipid', 'uninspiring', 'clueless', 'hopeless'. These are the shocking words that Craig Levein has used to describe the Scottish Football squad! In a secretly taped interview cunningly orchestrated by The Clockendichter, Craig Levein laid bare the secrets behind Scotland's disastrous World Cup campaign. The truth it seems is that far from being the Clown Prince of Mediocrity, an identity that he has worked hard to furnish and project, Craig Levein has in fact been playing a very clever and very dangerous game.

Suspicion was raised when I received a tip off from a government source pointing me in the direction of wikipedia and Levein's execrable record as a football manager. Between 1997 to the present Craig Levein has managed (to differing degrees of crapness) 6 clubs. His record is as follows: Cowdenbeath (1997-2000) Win% 36.22; Hearts (2000-2004) Win% 43.53; Leicester City (2004-2006) Win% 27.78; Raith Rovers (2006-2006) Win% 14.29; Dundee United 2006-2009 Win% 36.75; and finally Scotland (2009-Present) Win% 43.48.

Clearly the man is in the wrong profession I thought. So why has his atrocious record appeared to have gone unnoticed? The answer is simple. During the secretly taped interview I spiked Levein's Fanta Lemon with veritaserum and discovered the shocking truth.

The Clockendichter can now exclusively reveal that Craig William Levein is an Assistant Deputy Junior Executive in 'The 2014 Society' - a shadowy Unionist cabal dedicated to keeping Scotland in the United Kingdom no matter the cost. Levein communicated in great detail the inner machinations of the society and revealed the names of other co-conspirators. Levein admitted that the SFA is packed full of members of the society, and stated that he had originally been approached in early 2009 about the possibility of taking on the Scotland job as well as becoming a fully fledged member of The 2014 Society. Levein reported that he initially turned the job down, not because of patriotism, but because his managing record was so fucking bad that surely the Tartan Army would realise that the SFA were deliberately trying to sabotage their country's chances by appointing such a success-less buffoon. Levein stated that he had needed the money and so accepted. He secretly attended a Unionist Training and Indoctrination course run by Rev. Ian Paisley during a short holiday in Belfast in 2009 and then set about planning Scotland's demise. 

During the interview, in a moment of drug induced sincerity, Levein revealed to the Writer the ultimate purpose of  The 2014 Society and why he thinks he will now be sacked before the next qualifier in March. I quote his words to you now - " Yes, I was part of the cabal. The purpose of the movement [coughs] was to deflate Scottish spirit and confidence ahead of the Independence Referendum in 2014. My job was of utmost importance. I was to make sure we played crap whilst simultaneously holding on to my job. We hoped to create a situation where Scottish footballing fans would have their national pride sapped from them in a series of rubbish performances so that come 2014 no one would have the stomach to vote 'Yes'. The SFA new all about it - they personally approved it. We all worked through contacts in Whitehall. My code name was 'Lurch'. The problem was I did too good a job of being a shite manager. You know, it came naturally to me - I mean my record is there for everyone to see - it' awful. As a serious football manager I'm about as useful as logic in a religious debate. I was lucky to get this far. It almost all unraveled when I was severely chided by David Camer... er... sorry... 'Number One'... for...er.... the...the...the...  Czech match. I thought the 6-4-0 would be a good way of utterly demoralising the whole country and influencing people to want to remain part of the UK. I mean an independent Scotland playing football like that would just draw ridicule from all around the world. Who would want to be associated with such embarrassment? London didn't buy it though. Nae subtle enough. [shrugs shoulders]. I got a right telling off about how I had jeopardised the whole enterprise etc We tried other things too. I lobbied FIFA and UEFA to put Scotland in a separate pre-qualification group with all the diddy teams like Luxembourg, San Marino, Andorra, Malta etc so that we'd be knocked out before wasting any serious footballing nation's time and effort. I though that would really sap the country's energy for independence. I was over-ruled again though. So I tried other things like: making sure we won meaningless friendlies and lost or drew the important matches; making sure I selected only the most insipid and uninspiring; leaving out Jordan Rhodes; playing the hopeless Alan Hutton when he disnae get a game for Villa; playing the clueless Kenny Miller; using shite formations, though nae on the 4-6-0 scale, you understand. It was the Wales game that really fucked us - we were supposed to win that one. That cheating Taffy bastard Bale did us over. I think enough was enough after that though. Belgium just reinforced the fact that the game was up. I don't think I'll see out the campaign. I've been told that I've just done too badly - not realistic enough. I've got a nice severance package though."

With these revelations now out in the public eye surely Levein's position is untenable? And with the SFA's relationship with dodgy pro-Union societies now clear for all to see how long before there is a complete overhaul of football in Scotland? Levein's motives although honourable were idiotic and I for one hope that he withdraws from public life and doesn't attempt to 'manage' any more football teams.

It will also be important not to understate the importance of this affair in the context of the Independence debate. Will the outing of Levein as a conniving Unionist create a backlash that sweeps Salmond and his cronies to power? Or will  the people view Levein's unscrupulousness as the desperate act of a talentless charlatan and vote 'No' anyway? Only time will tell. What is certain is that Levein's time is up.

Scottish Independence: Aye or Nah?

In the late 1690s, in a bid to emulate its neighbour England, an independent Scotland attempted to become a world trading nation by establishing a colony in Panama. The Darien Scheme as it came to be known was poorly planned and poorly led, and eventually succumbed to a combination of  disease and a shortage of food. The colony was abandoned following an attack by Spanish forces in 1700. The whole enterprise was funded by around a quarter of all the money circulating Scotland at that time and its failure left Scotland effectively bankrupt. This was a major factor in the decline of resistance to the 1707 Union with England. However, within a generation of the Act of Union Scotland was transformed into a modern nation -  a commercial and intellectual powerhouse, at the very forefront of the European Enlightenment.

Now, in the 21st Century we have The Salmond Scheme...

The difference between those 17th century Scots colonists and Salmond is that they had a vision of what they wanted their independent nation to achieve...Salmond doesn't. What would Salmond's Scotland even look like? Hitherto, Salmond has been largely silent on this extremely pertinent question. Would Scotland have and army, navy and air force? Would it have border controls? Scottish passports? What currency would it have? What would be its share of the national debt? Would it have a AAA credit rating as the UK currently has? Could it still afford free prescriptions? Could it still afford free university education? How much oil revenues would it receive? Would it join NATO? Would it have to apply for EU membership? There just far too many unanswered questions; and to go around expressing support for this madness is precisely that - madness. It is a giant leap in to the unknown, or in other words - irre-fucking-sponsible.

I really do honestly think this power hungry snake oil salesman will ruin Scotland if he and his SNP stooges manage to fool the majority of Scots in to voting for independence. Salmond is, to put it simply, a chancer, and his brand of political twattery panders to those Scots who feel they are oppressed underdogs in the UK. I'm sure you know the sort, those who: derive their knowledge of Scottish history from Braveheart; call those Scots who are against independence 'unpatriotic'; and detest 'the English'.

And what about the people of Wales, England and Northern Ireland? Shouldn't they be given an opportunity to have their say? After all an independent Scotland will have far reaching consequences for the UK as a whole. Think of what would happen to politics in England for example There are currently 41 Scottish Labour MPs who sit in Westminster. An independent Scotland would eradicate them, almost certainly guaranteeing a Conservative England for... well forever. Do people really want to condemn the south of this island to permanent Tory rule?

From what I can gather, Scotland actually has it pretty good at the moment, (free prescriptions, free university education, an open border with England, Wales and North/South Ireland etc) and I for one have no desire to sacrifice all that for the whims and fancies of a bloated scoundrel. Sure, the UK ain't perfect, but I can't think of an alternative country I'd rather have grown up in. I certainly don't feel oppressed by any 'English Bogeyman', and I don't see how my life will be improved in any way with the return of an independent Scotland. 

One of the most popular pro-independence arguments at the moment seems to be the issue of oil revenues. No one has yet clarified how this would be divided between an Independent Scotland and England. However, for me, it is not solely a question of economics. My identity has always been Scottish and British and I don't feel any more or any less inclined towards one or the other. To me, they are one and the same. I can be both a patriotic Scot and a patriotic Brit. This is no contradiction. One is an integral part of the other. 

One of the fundamental questions that I ask pro-independence peddlers is 'from what are you seeking independence?' It's a simple question really and one which everyone should ask themselves. The more vacuous answers go something along the lines of - 'to get away from the English and stop them meddling in our affairs.'  Others say 'because we're different, we're Gaels and they're sassenachs (Saxons)'.

I don't see how anyone with any level of cultural or historical awareness can use this as a basis for breaking up the most successful union of countries in history. Are we really that different from one another? I don't think so.  Based on the reasoning of some Nationalists, people living in the Western Highlands might reasonably demand that the Gaelic speaking parts of Scotland are granted independence from the 'foreign' English speaking parts. How ridiculous would that be? And where would such petty tribalism end? And how far down the line will the idea of 'independence' go? An independent Cornwall? An independent Shetland and Orkney? An independent Northern Ireland? Independent Welsh Valleys? Independence for selected in villages within a 10-mile radius of Huntly? Independence for numbers 1-29 of Queens Road, Aberdeen? Independent, Individual People Republics? (this actually happened, see - http://www.spunout.ie/mag/Politics/Who-art-thou-Jim-Tallon%253f-).

I for one strongly believe that there are more commonalities than differences between ourselves and our English, Irish and Welsh neighbours and for that reason I will be voting a resounding 'Nah'.


How about you?

Welcome to The Clockendichter!

Welcome to my first blog - The Clockendichter (more on this word below). 

As it's my first post I'll keep it short and to the point.

My name is Liam, I'm 26 and live in Aberdeen, Scotland, though I'm originally from Fraserburgh, just up the coast. I'm an opinionated individual with a particular interest in Politics, Music, Poetry, Sport and Religion. I hope to generate a fair bit of discussion and debate with my subsequent Blog Posts, and I guess that's the aim of the whole enterprise. 

The Clockendichter will not be a detailed account of what I had for breakfast. I don't want to bore you with insignificant facts about my personal life... cuz that's...well... personal, and boring. I may on occasion tell you more about myself in order to illustrate or clarify a point, but on the whole this will be a place for me to air my views and opine on the interests I have listed above and for you to respond in a suitable manner.

I  would greatly appreciate constructive criticism and am open to suggestions from readers about the kind of issues you would like to read and discuss. I have an opinion on pretty much anything so don't hold back from making a suggestion.

Just a quick note on the etymology of 'clockendichter' pronounced 'klock-en-dich-ter'. It's a word that I've sort of cobbled together and  like the sound of.

It sounds pretty much identical to the north-eastern Scottish phrase 'clochan dichter.' That's the drink before the 'one for the road.' 'Clocken' is slang for 'watching or surveying a scene.' That's what I mean to do with this Blog - survey a scene and comment on it. So it's a combination of a phrase I like the sound of and has meaning to me and a word that describes what I hope this blog will do.

I liked the word so much I even wrote a tune about it.

Below is a video of 'Clockendichter' in musical form:

Clockendichter in D Major

Stay tuned for more...