Levein Outed as Unionist

"I was part of Unionist cabal."

"I'm about as useful as logic in a religious debate."

"My code name was 'Lurch.'

Craig 'Frankenstein' Levein

Does this hulking wreck of a man represent all that is wrong with Scottish football? Does he epitomise mediocrity? Yes, he does.

Thankfully, his disastrous reign of error is almost certainly nearing its end. However, all is not as it seems. Will Levein lose his job because he is useless or because of something far more sinister? This question must be asked because although on the surface he presents as an incompetent oaf, underneath the boring exterior lies a complex, guileful and dastardly individual.

'Insipid', 'uninspiring', 'clueless', 'hopeless'. These are the shocking words that Craig Levein has used to describe the Scottish Football squad! In a secretly taped interview cunningly orchestrated by The Clockendichter, Craig Levein laid bare the secrets behind Scotland's disastrous World Cup campaign. The truth it seems is that far from being the Clown Prince of Mediocrity, an identity that he has worked hard to furnish and project, Craig Levein has in fact been playing a very clever and very dangerous game.

Suspicion was raised when I received a tip off from a government source pointing me in the direction of wikipedia and Levein's execrable record as a football manager. Between 1997 to the present Craig Levein has managed (to differing degrees of crapness) 6 clubs. His record is as follows: Cowdenbeath (1997-2000) Win% 36.22; Hearts (2000-2004) Win% 43.53; Leicester City (2004-2006) Win% 27.78; Raith Rovers (2006-2006) Win% 14.29; Dundee United 2006-2009 Win% 36.75; and finally Scotland (2009-Present) Win% 43.48.

Clearly the man is in the wrong profession I thought. So why has his atrocious record appeared to have gone unnoticed? The answer is simple. During the secretly taped interview I spiked Levein's Fanta Lemon with veritaserum and discovered the shocking truth.

The Clockendichter can now exclusively reveal that Craig William Levein is an Assistant Deputy Junior Executive in 'The 2014 Society' - a shadowy Unionist cabal dedicated to keeping Scotland in the United Kingdom no matter the cost. Levein communicated in great detail the inner machinations of the society and revealed the names of other co-conspirators. Levein admitted that the SFA is packed full of members of the society, and stated that he had originally been approached in early 2009 about the possibility of taking on the Scotland job as well as becoming a fully fledged member of The 2014 Society. Levein reported that he initially turned the job down, not because of patriotism, but because his managing record was so fucking bad that surely the Tartan Army would realise that the SFA were deliberately trying to sabotage their country's chances by appointing such a success-less buffoon. Levein stated that he had needed the money and so accepted. He secretly attended a Unionist Training and Indoctrination course run by Rev. Ian Paisley during a short holiday in Belfast in 2009 and then set about planning Scotland's demise. 

During the interview, in a moment of drug induced sincerity, Levein revealed to the Writer the ultimate purpose of  The 2014 Society and why he thinks he will now be sacked before the next qualifier in March. I quote his words to you now - " Yes, I was part of the cabal. The purpose of the movement [coughs] was to deflate Scottish spirit and confidence ahead of the Independence Referendum in 2014. My job was of utmost importance. I was to make sure we played crap whilst simultaneously holding on to my job. We hoped to create a situation where Scottish footballing fans would have their national pride sapped from them in a series of rubbish performances so that come 2014 no one would have the stomach to vote 'Yes'. The SFA new all about it - they personally approved it. We all worked through contacts in Whitehall. My code name was 'Lurch'. The problem was I did too good a job of being a shite manager. You know, it came naturally to me - I mean my record is there for everyone to see - it' awful. As a serious football manager I'm about as useful as logic in a religious debate. I was lucky to get this far. It almost all unraveled when I was severely chided by David Camer... er... sorry... 'Number One'... for...er.... the...the...the...  Czech match. I thought the 6-4-0 would be a good way of utterly demoralising the whole country and influencing people to want to remain part of the UK. I mean an independent Scotland playing football like that would just draw ridicule from all around the world. Who would want to be associated with such embarrassment? London didn't buy it though. Nae subtle enough. [shrugs shoulders]. I got a right telling off about how I had jeopardised the whole enterprise etc We tried other things too. I lobbied FIFA and UEFA to put Scotland in a separate pre-qualification group with all the diddy teams like Luxembourg, San Marino, Andorra, Malta etc so that we'd be knocked out before wasting any serious footballing nation's time and effort. I though that would really sap the country's energy for independence. I was over-ruled again though. So I tried other things like: making sure we won meaningless friendlies and lost or drew the important matches; making sure I selected only the most insipid and uninspiring; leaving out Jordan Rhodes; playing the hopeless Alan Hutton when he disnae get a game for Villa; playing the clueless Kenny Miller; using shite formations, though nae on the 4-6-0 scale, you understand. It was the Wales game that really fucked us - we were supposed to win that one. That cheating Taffy bastard Bale did us over. I think enough was enough after that though. Belgium just reinforced the fact that the game was up. I don't think I'll see out the campaign. I've been told that I've just done too badly - not realistic enough. I've got a nice severance package though."

With these revelations now out in the public eye surely Levein's position is untenable? And with the SFA's relationship with dodgy pro-Union societies now clear for all to see how long before there is a complete overhaul of football in Scotland? Levein's motives although honourable were idiotic and I for one hope that he withdraws from public life and doesn't attempt to 'manage' any more football teams.

It will also be important not to understate the importance of this affair in the context of the Independence debate. Will the outing of Levein as a conniving Unionist create a backlash that sweeps Salmond and his cronies to power? Or will  the people view Levein's unscrupulousness as the desperate act of a talentless charlatan and vote 'No' anyway? Only time will tell. What is certain is that Levein's time is up.